“Cultivating Trust in God's Care & Letting Go of False Intentions”

“Cultivating Trust in God's Care & Letting Go of False Intentions”

Luke 13:31-35

          At that very hour some Pharisees came and said to him, "Get away from here, for Herod wants to kill you."  

He said to them, "Go and tell that fox for me, 'Listen, I am casting out demons and performing cures today and tomorrow, and on the third day I finish my work.  Yet today, tomorrow, and the next day I must be on my way, because it is impossible for a prophet to be killed outside of Jerusalem.'  

Jerusalem, Jerusalem, the city that kills the prophets and stones those who are sent to it! How often have I desired to gather your children together as a hen gathers her brood under her wings, and you were not willing!  See, your house is left to you. And I tell you, you will not see me until the time comes when you say, 'Blessed is the one who comes in the name of the Lord.'"

This is an incredibly hard reading from the Gospel of Luke.  It does not matter in what translation that you are reading this passage, it is just tough. Is Jesus expressing contempt or is Jesus expressing anger?  Here may be a provocative thought for you.  If Jesus is expressing contempt, then we are all doomed and you don’t have to worry about going to hell we are already there.  If Jesus is expressing anger, there just may be a chance for sinners like you and I.  By connecting with the anger of Jesus, we may find a way to building trust in God’s care. If its contempt, we are damned by false intentions.  We want to cultivate trust in God’s care.  We want to let go of false intentions.

Let’s start with contempt.  To begin, I would like to share with you the reading that I have been doing that informs my thoughts.  Most recently, I have been reading Arthur C. Brooks, Love Your Enemies, William B. Irvine, A Guide to the Good Life, BrenéBrown, The Gifts of Imperfectionand anything by John Gottman and The Gottman Institute, A Research Based Approach to Relationships.   

Whereas anger says, “I care about this.”  Contempt says, “You disgust me and I don’t care about you.”  Contempt is accompanied by shame.  Shame is received.  Shame is sent.  Shame is experienced by both sender and receiver.  If you feel shame or ashamed, contempt is in the room.  John Gottman says that he predicts with 94% accuracy if a couple will survive as a couple based on one one-hour session of counseling. If during the session, contempt is displayed, even by the roll of an eye, the odds that the couple will divorce within three years is 94%. “Want to see if a couple will end up in divorce court? Watch them discuss a contentious topic, and see if either partner rolls his or her eyes.”  (Brooks, 23)    

Contempt doesn’t just destabilizes relationships. Contempt destroys our bodies.  It causes comprehensive degradation of our immune systems.  It damages self-esteem, alters behavior, and even impairs cognitive processing. (Agneta H. Fischer and Ira J. Roseman, “Beat Them or Ban Them:  The Characteristics and Social Functions of Anger and Contempt”.)  According to the American Psychological Association, the feeling of rejection, so often experienced after being treated with contempt, “Increases anxiety, depression, jealousy, and sadness”  and “reduces performance on difficult intellectual tasks.”  Being treated with contempt takes a measurable physical toll.  Those who routinely feel excluded “Have poorer sleep quality, and their immune systems don’t function as well”.  The loss of relationships resulting from contempt, according to a study at Brigham Young University, causes premature death by 50 percent from all causes of death. A Harvard University publication compares the ongoing damage to be like smoking 15 cigarettes a day. (Brooks, 35).

It’s not just the victims of contempt, it’s the givers of contempt.  Because the person who is contemptuous has be vigilant about their contempt, they have to hold themselves in a state of stress releasing cortisol and adrenaline into their body.  People in couples who continually hold each other in contempt tend to die 20 years earlier than people in couples who seek mutual understanding.  So, are you getting it?  Contempt is bad.  Contempt destroys relationships.  It destroys our bodies.  Contempt may even be destroying our country – but that’s another sermon.  

Let me spend just a moment on shame.  Shame is universal.  We all have it.  The only person who does not have shame is a person that cannot feel empathy or have the capacity for human connection. (Brown, 38). “Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.” (Brown, 39).  Hearing the words of contempt, “You disgust me and I don’t care about you”  triggers the shame that we each carry in our heart of hearts.  Contempt and shame take away our humanity and leave us feeling like a worthless object of ridicule.  

I have heard words of contempt in the halls of our church.  I heard words of contempt on the floor of General Conference in St.  Louis. I have heard Christians say, “They all ought to be drowned.”  I have heard Christians say, “They should be swept under the rug.”  These are things that I heard said about members of one or the other political party.  I also heard these things said about persons in the LGBTQAI+ community.  If you want more examples of contempt, read or listen to Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, your favorite talk show host.  Or, maybe listen to the voice in your head.  You will find life defeating, life draining, hell celebrating examples all too often.  

Is what Jesus said contemptuous?  God I hope not.  Let’s see. Jesus replies to well-wishers who warn him about Herold Antipas’ desire to kill Jesus.  Jesus says, "Go and tell that fox for me…”  This could be contemptuous.  Jesus calls Herold a fox.  He calls him the name of animal that with great smarts and abilities sneaks around at night to get what it wants.  Ok, it may not be the most flattering thing to be called a “fox” but today it may even be a compliment.  The next line states facts, 'Listen, I am casting out demons and performing cures today and tomorrow, and on the third day I finish my work.  Yet today, tomorrow, and the next day I must be on my way, because it is impossible for a prophet to be killed outside of Jerusalem.'” I don’t think that Jesus is telling Herold, “You disgust me and I don’t care about you.”  I think Jesus is saying to Herold don’t use you foxy ways to keep me from doing what I am supposed to be doing.

Does the next part of the reading of Jesus’ words say, “You disgust me and I don’t care about you?”  “Jerusalem, Jerusalem, the city that kills the prophets and stones those who are sent to it! How often have I desired to gather your children together as a hen gathers her brood under her wings, and you were not willing!”  This part seems more like an expression of love. Jesus seems to be yearning to love and protect the city even though its history is blemished by bad behavior.  I am happy about this.  If Jesus can love Jerusalem even though it has a history of bad behavior, then there is hope for me. 

Jesus continues, “See, your house is left to you. And I tell you, you will not see me until the time comes when you say, 'Blessed is the one who comes in the name of the Lord.'"”  I am not hearing in the words – you disgust me.  I am not hearing in the words – I don’t care about you.  I think Jesus is hurt and angry.  I think that Jesus understands what is to happen to him when he arrives in Jerusalem.  I think Jesus wants Jerusalem to break its bad habit of killing prophets and welcome him un-conditionally.  Even better, follow him.  

If the controlling message of an eye roll of contempt is “you disgust me, I don’t care about you,” the controlling message of anger is “I really care about you.”  I think Jesus is saying in this passage, “I really care about you.”   Because of the elevated levels of frustration and perhaps not knowing how to handle the defensiveness that comes, a person, even Jesus, expresses anger.  Jesus rebukes Herod.  He says, you cannot kill me here Galilee.  I am going to Jerusalem.  There is where I will meet my destiny.  When Jesus turns his face to Jerusalem, he cries over the city like a parent that cries over a wayward child.  Jesus is not expressing, “You disgust me.”  Jesus is expressing, “I am hurting for you.”  Think about it.  If Jesus was disgusted with Herod, if Jesus was disgusted with Jerusalem, if Jesus were saying, “I don’t care about you,” no one survives.  There is not one of us that stands.  There would be no saving grace, there would be no Paul the apostle. There would be no church.  There would be no songs of praise.  There would be  no heaven.  There would only be hell.  

Let’s back this done a little.

If your spouse says to you, “You spend too much time fishing!” It’s a world apart from, “I don’t give a damn, fish all you want.”  Which statement is toxic?  Which statement is an expression that values the relationship?  Which statement can you work with to grow the relationship?  

“You’re a workaholic, you work all the time!” “Whatever.”  Which statement is toxic?  Which statement expresses, maybe not well, that I wish to have more time with you?   I think you can tell which of these statements are contemptuous eye rolls and which are statements that come from deep caring.  

When is it ok to use contempt – Never!  

Never dehumanize another.  

Never demean another.  

Never shame another.  

It is never ok to use contempt.  

It’s ok to get angry.  We all get angry.  You can only be angry when you are defending something or someone you love. At the core of anger is “I care about you.”  Arthur Brooks calls what we are to do “warm-heartedness” a term he learned from the Dali Lama.  BrenéBrown uses the term “whole-heartedness.”  Jesus simply said, “love your neighbor as yourself.” Let go of false intentions. Cultivate trust in God’s care for you for every person who has lived, is living now and will live in the future.  

Do you need some help reframing what you have said in contempt? Here are some really simple things to do.  These you probably already know.  John Gottman puts it this way:  

1.    Focus on the other’s distress.  Keep your mouth closed and listen.  Stop trying to make a point, debate, argue, prove you’re the most Biblical or holy.  

2.    Use the five-to-one rule even on social media.  Say five nice things before saying one criticism.  

3.    No contempt. It is never justified.

4.    Find people who disagree with you and make them your friend. 

Cultivate trust in God’s care for you for every person who has lived, is living now and will live in the future.